Haynes Translations

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Haynes Translations

Post by CRM » 29 Apr 2015, 13:20

Haynes Translation

Rotate anticlockwise = Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise

Should remove easily = Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

This is a snug fit = You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

This is a tight fit = Not a hope in hell matey! .Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Apply moderate heat = This needs something more than placing your mouth near it and huffing; but unless you have a blast furnace to heat it up until glowing red, don't bother. Use a hacksaw or clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer

Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner = Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer

As described in Chapter 7 = Look at the scary photos of the inside of a gearbox in Chapter 7

Pry = Hammer a screwdriver into...

Undo = Buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Ease = Apply superhuman strength to ...

Retain tiny spring = A small object will fly past you and nearly take your eye out

Press and rotate to remove bulb = OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Lightly = Start off lightly and when the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual.

Weekly checks = Disregard. (If it isn't broken don't fix it ..)

Routine maintenance = If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

One spanner rating = (simple) Your Mum/sister/girlfriend could do this (so how did you manage to botch it up?)

Two spanner rating = You may think that you can do this ... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (which, as it so happens, would have been more use to you)

Three spanner rating = (intermediate) Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start

Four spanner rating = You really are seriously considering this aren't you?

Five spanner rating = (expert) Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company. If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Compress = Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering \"******\" repeatedly under your breath

Inspect = Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife \"Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one\"!

Carefully = You are about to cut yourself

Retaining nut = Big spherical blob of rust

Get an assistant = Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal = But you swear in different places

Prise away plastic locating pegs = Snap off...

Using a suitable drift or pin-punch = Not the biggest nail in your tool box

Everyday toolkit = Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Index = List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want

Replace old gasket with a new one = Bodge using linoleum, a sheet of plastic, or even cardboard

Grease well before refitting = Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease

See illustration for details = The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner : Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, \"F....\"

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4 : Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER : Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR : A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST : A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER : A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.


INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, \"the sunshine vitamin,\" which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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Re: Haynes Translations

Post by SMUDGER » 29 Apr 2015, 13:27

thats great

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Re: Haynes Translations

Post by ListerTheStupid » 29 Apr 2015, 13:59

Thats fooking boss!

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Re: Haynes Translations

Post by Jim27 » 29 Apr 2015, 14:49

Hahahahaha far too accurate for comfort!
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Re: Haynes Translations

Post by Paul m0kdm » 29 Apr 2015, 18:46

Pissed myself.

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Re: Haynes Translations

Post by rumpoldstilskin » 29 Apr 2015, 18:49

"HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit" genius

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Re: Haynes Translations

Post by lee711 » 29 Apr 2015, 19:21

Superb, i can vouch personally for 80% of the list and the other 20% i'll be able to vouch for in the near future. :lol: :lol:

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